TRAILER MANIA!!!!!!!!!

CCC moved into his new apartment last week, and finally got his beloved cable internet back last night, prompting him to do the most logical thing. TRAILER BINGE.

Brother Bear: The saving grace of this trailer comes at the very end, and we have the feeling that the saving grace of the movie lies in the sharp claws of those moose. Grade: C+

Bubba Ho-Tep: Elvis and black JFK. Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis. Old age homes. Creepy thing in a stupid hat. Clue as to what the eff is going on? No. Arousal? Mos def. Grade: A-

Cheaper by the Dozen: What the fuck is going on here? Why have Shawn Levy and Craig Titley (hee) ruined one of C3's favorite children's book? Why have they set it in modern times, without a hint of the actual storyline? Why is Ashton Kutcher in 60 percent of the trailer, when he doesn't appear to be one of the actual children? And, for God's sake, why doesn't Hotty McHottlestein Tom Welling appear (shirtless) in more of the trailer? Grade: D-

The Haunted Mansion: Sadly, CCC kind of liked this trailer, if only because Terence Stamp is kind of in it, and because Jennifer Tilly is actually spooky cool as the gypsy/ghost/crystal-head-thingie. Grade: B

The Human Stain: Okay Nicole, here's how you play it. What you want to do is plant the seed for a supporting role in The Human Stain and a lead actress role in Cold Mountain. Forget about Dogville, it's crizazy and out there. Play it straight, play it cool, play it sexy, and you'll be adding two more nods, and maybe a statue to join your lonely, lonely man. Grade: B+ (oh, wait, an actual analysis to back this up. In short, non-telling trailer that still seems interesting but is too fractured to be of use).

Intolerable Cruelty: Mmm..We love the Coen brothers. Their recent films make us happy. They're so smart and smooth and not silly or dumb at all. Their most recent trailer doesn't reduce us to tears or waste Catherine Zeta-Hot at all. It isn't lumbersome and un-funny and long in the very least. Grade: F

Master and Commander: Yawn. Why does this seem like such a boring movie? Maybe because Russell Crowe hasn't made anything interesting since L.A. Confidential (and before that, only a scant few [sorry, The Insider]). Maybe because no one cares about the high seas. Maybe because this seems to be as crappily sentimental as A Beautiful Crap. Only Peter Weir's name at the end implies potential. Whereas the full title, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, implies crapqeuls. Grade: C-

The Rundown: Please kill us and eat our body. Grade: B(+?!?!)

Timeline: This one's been around for a while, but Apple is a liar and says that it just appeared. Good for them, because I can only trash new trailers, and boy is this one a stinker. Let's fax people to the past! Let's "Virginia Woolf in The Hours decimating Richmond" the Middle Ages! Let's make France O'Connor really work for her crack money! Let's not take off Paul Walker or Gerard Butler's shirts! Let's give this trailer a D+!

Underworld: CCC had already seen a good trailer for this film a few months ago, but this newer, longer one is filled with even more hot vampire preening. And not much else excites CCC more than hot vampires preening their hot selves (maybe if Nicole and Jakey were in a hot vampire movie). Plus, Scott Speedman has sensitive eyes. Grade: A- (if we weren't filled with shame, we'd give it an A)

Wonderland: For all it's not-really-anything-we-haven't-seen-before-ness, this trailer is actually kind of cool, though it both tells you nothing and everything about the story. The bevy of stars could be more capitalized upon, though we get enough cameos to pique our interest. Plus, Dylan McDermott is in it, looking totally wacko and not his usually steely hot self. Curious. Grade: B+

Posted by josh at August 1, 2003 2:25 PM